I feel guilty but it is not my fault

There are some situations in life where we feel guilty for things that are not actually our fault. Things happen out of no where making you feel guilty for it, but you actually have no control on what so ever that happened. This guilty feeling cannot be changed, we very well know that this is not our fault but still the guilt of it will keep haunting us.

Sometimes the decisions that we make in life for ourselves hurt our dear ones, we make decisions for our own happiness which maybe out of the social norms that the society has been following for years. One such decisions is the decision on getting married.

The Indian society is build on marriage , here a marriage is not a individual decision, it is a family decision. Chetan Bhagat in his book two states says in India for a marriage to happen, first a guy loves a girl, the Girl loves the boy , then the guy’s family has to love the girl, the girl’s family has to love the boy, then the boy’s family has to love the girl’s family, then if the girl and the boy still love each other they get married. This is mostly the situation in Indian families, its no wonder why India celebrate weddings so grand may be it is a victory celebration of the long process.


Every Indian parents dream is to get their kids married, they dream , they save and they spend all they have on their kids wedding. Marriage is not seen as a lifestyle here rather it is seen as life achievement. Parents think their kids have failed when they don’t get married. Even more, sometimes they blame themselves for their kids saying no to marriage life. They start thinking the kid decision of not getting married is because of their upbringing. They blame themselves and get depressed thinking of their kids future. In some situations parents get caught in the social norms and fail to see what really make their kid happy. They fail to notice that the kids decision is not because of negligence of life but it is more of a choice of their own happiness.

when a guys chooses not to marry, he is filled with guilt of letting his parents down though there is not need for any guilt in choosing his own future. This guilt is something he will carry all his life for not fulfilling the parents wishes. Each time when the parent come home looking worried after attending a wedding, he knows what is going on in their mind but could not say a word to console them. The guilty feeling of making the parent worry fills him. Each time seeing the parents play with a kid and having a feeling of not having grandkids to play with , each time a wedding invitation reaches home, each time someone asks them why their kid is not yet married, each time they see a happy couple of their kids age, each time when their kids friend visits with his family, each time when the society tell them getting their kid married is their life goal parents loose their cool and get worried. They genuinely worry about the kids future, all they need is a family for him to take care of him when they are gone. Each time when the kid sees his parents worried that guilt gets in his mind. No one understands the guilty feeling that kid has when he sees his parents worried about him. Though he is completely capable of taking care of him and parents failing to see what really makes him happy.


No one should feel guilty for choosing his own life, each ones life journey is different and we cannot keep fulfilling each ones dreams for us. The only thing we can do is to live a happy life so that the world know we have no regrets in our own decisions.


The Loss

The loss of a loved one does not get better with time, the wound it leave behind does not heal, we just learn to live with the pain. We try hard to forget the wound but every time the wound gets a little hit by the memory we feel a sharp pain, which we try to ignore by going on with life.

The loss of my uncle recently was one such wound that, I know would haunt me for life. Though I was not close to him, loosing him all of a sudden came as a shock. He the first one to go too soon in our close family circle. He was not old enough to die, his death came as a shock to the whole family.

The moment I head his death news my brain froze, I got on my bike to see my aunt is the very next thing I did. I was riding the bike, my brain is not working. Finally when I reached his house I realised I have taken the longest route possible to get there and not sure why I did it ! I am well aware of the shortest route but my brain did not function enough to get the shortest route. I got there just in time when his body arrived from he hospital and he was laid down in the bench. All I could feel was him sleeping and nothing more. I well know he is gone but my mind is not in the state to accept it.

I could see my aunt crying, the aunt who used to be fun and very caring. One of my favourite aunt and the one we used to tease a lot. Seeing her cry caused a deep pain in the heart. Its something that cannot be explained. I was feeling sorry for her more than my uncle gone at that moment.

I could see my cousin who was struggling with all his strength to stay strong for his mom who was devastated. More than the sorrow of loosing his dad, he had a anger on his dad for putting off from seeing a doctor earlier. He was more angry than being sad. He was collecting all his strength and controlling his tears, waiting for his brother to come. I was there witnessing him in his great loss in life. I had no words to console him or even to talk to him. All I was able to do was to stand there beside him and just watch.

As all the relations and friends arrive they began talking of the loss and about the dead. That in no way ease the pain but help to vent out the emotions helping us to retain the good memories with him. All I could was to feel sorry for my aunt, who had her whole life around her family. Now her biggest pillar of strength gone and she was left alone to face the world. I understand she has her sons to her support yet losing her husband was no match.

As my uncle was cremated the next day, all I could think was how short the human life is. A man with whom I was having a talk a week earlier is now gone and we were there doing his final rites. As he was burning to ashes all I had in mind was life is short and it is too short to live with regrets.

A thought of getting my parents a medical check up asap passed to my mind while my brother uttered those words loud to me.

I was sorry for my aunt, for her loss. I met her a month later, she is learning to live with her loss. In India they have a bad custom of dress code for a widow as no bindi , no flowers , no colours clothings. My aunt when i met her was dress as herself, in a beautiful pink saree, with her bindi and flowers decorating her hair. I was so happy to see her that way. I have seen her like that always and she has chosen to be the same. By choosing so she is breaking odd customs and now I love her even more for she choosing her to be herself.


Being Single in your thirties !

There is always a social pressure to settle down, the society wants every one of us to get married and have kids, but each one have a different view of life. Not everyone wants to settle down and have kids. Some wait for their dream partner in life, some just want to live life on their own terms. Some just want a companionship in life with no rules attached to it. Its always a personal choice of what we want to do with our life.


But this society expects us to live life as how many has done for years, when we want something different from the usual, people around us panic, they just try to step in assuming we need help living our own life. They do it because they love us and they think living life the usual way is the best way to live and they want the best for us.

One such stigma in life is being single! Specially being single gets tough when you get into your thirties. Your friend circle starts to get married and have kids, the ones those got married in their twenties are already trying to get their kids to school. People around you start questioning when are you getting married saying you are getting no younger. Parents, specially Indian parents see your marriage as their duty to be fulfilled. They want to fulfil their duties in life. The Relatives want to enjoy your marriage feast. Friends wants to enjoy an other bachelor party.

You start getting more wedding invitations, relatives see weddings as a opportunity for match making. You not attending the wedding of your third cousin’s wife’s fourth cousin’s wedding becomes a point of question. There is no longer a question of what you expect in your life partner, in your thirties people expect you to have no expectations but just to get married to who says yes to you. Almost the second question the relatives ask on seeing you is about getting married.


Every phone call from your parents involves a wedding proposal or your parents cousins questioning them about why you are still single. You are seen to be disgracing your parents reputation in the society. Your parents are getting old and that been told as a perfect reason to get married. Parents come up with all sort of reason for you to get married, even the parents friends son getting married is a good reason for you to tie the knot. They want to have grandkids, they want the family line growing, they want you to have someone to come home to every night, they want you to have a family, they want you to have a companion in life. They mean good to you, but sometimes they just want you to follow the social norms. They sometimes fail to notice what really makes you happy, they just get lost in what the society has thought them. They don’t want their kid to be an odd man out in the society.

Friends and collegues start questioning about why you are still single and try to set you up with every possible match they could think of. There is a constant questioning on you being single, and they are in a lookout for your marriage news. In office, every day you leave work early or a day off is questioned with marriage proposals or dates. Your besties are all married off with kids expect you to join the club so they can discuss their on going issues. You stand out in the discussions because most of the discussions in the group is about kids or schools.


You start to feel left out around your friends at time. when they discuss life, there are times when you feel you are far behind them. When they say how tired they are because of kids you will love your life. When they worry about kids and future you will feel your freedom. When they pour out their struggles with their partners you will thank your decision to be single. When they describe their little ones you will miss your nephew or niece. When you see them struggling to decide between wanting to party and go home to kids you will thank God for you being on your own. When they discuss about the kids expense you will be happy that you can afford your dreams.

Being Single in thirties has both its own ups and downs, but being single is a personal choice and no one ever have to say you how you should lead your own life. Just live life in your own terms with no regrets at the end 🙂

Thoughts on a Rainy day

Rainy days are fun. Rain brings in happiness when watched from a dry and safe place. Its fun to get all wet and enjoy the natural shower once in a while. The climate that a rain sets in as if the nature has turned off the air conditioning for the whole city. Some rainy nights we get to sleep to the sound of water pouring out. Most romantic books describes rainy days to be a romantic time between the lovers, even most movies portraits the rainy days as fun, the time the lovers get drenched in rain and make out.


Actually the rainy days are fun, if you don’t need to get to work that day! the cosy climate makes you sleep in for long. If you are fortunate enough to get your food ready by someone then you are lucky. It can be a cosy lazy day. Its even more fun when you are at your parents on a rainy day. My mom makes delicious hot snacks to go with the hot cup of coffee on a rainy day. Sitting on the couch, seeing the rain pouring out, sipping a hot coffee and eating hot snacks is a special feeling. I do miss those times now.


Rain on a working day is not that fun anyway. Have to get to office in that rainy anyway. Maybe an hour or two late. If you don’t have a car and using a public transport or riding a motor cycle to work then its so hard getting to office itself, and the awful traffic on roads due to rain. At some situations you get wet in rain and the clothes are wet. With those wet clothes we have to sit in the air conditioned room for hours shivering and concentrating on work. Rain will mostly spoil your lunch plans as you don’t want to get out in rain to grab lunch. You have just reach office but you are already worried about getting home safe in rain. Rain comes with some sort of practical difficulty nowadays.

In a country like India where rains damages the roads and the roads are flooded with rain water, you sometimes have to walk trough the water to get to places. In the same time we need rain to solve the existing water problems. We all talk about how the rain water gets wasted on roads during the rainy season but never care to set up the rain water harvesting in our own houses before the rain arrives. We don’t learn the lessons that rains teach us each year. Both our government and us needs to get serious on saving the rain water.

We do expect rains in the dry summer days expecting to get a relief from the hot sun, but when we get them during the rainy season we are not much concerned. We need rains to full our water reserves for our farming and for us to have an uninterrupted supply of drinking water. It huge time India starts being serious with rain water harvesting and plant more trees for more rains.

Rainy romantic days are fun in books and in movies. Rain is really fun when we watch it from a distance, when we are safe and dry. Rain is fun to get in to and get all drenched and play in all natural shower. The smell of the rain hitting the dry soil is really refreshing. The cool climate that a rain brings in a such an experience, the fully cleaned city and the refreshing greener city that the rains leaves behind is worth it all the time.

The love I am waiting for <3

Everyone deserves love and every one feel love in a different way.  There are different ways people express their love, it differs from person to person. Everyone’s love language is different. A happy couple understands each other’s love language and communicates love in the way their partners can understand.

Everyone feels love a different way, some like to shower their significant other with the physical expression of love, some will express with words, some with gifts, some with caring way too much and more ways. It’s really a gift to get a partner who knows how to love you and loves you the way you feel loved. Everyone dreams for a perfect partner in life but not everyone gets their dreams true, we try and learn to love the person in their own way of love.


Here is it is going to be just my own dreams of love I want in life. The Kind of love that I wish I could have in life.

I don’t wish I could have a love like in romantic movies or novels, those are almost the love at first sight, falling so deep for a person the moment you see them happens only in movies. For me, love evolves. I expect love to grow each day when you are with that special person, it is always the little things that people do for each other brings them closer. Just like friendship, love has to grow between people to be strong enough to withstand all the challenges in life.

I want a love which is strong enough to know that everyone is imperfect in their own perfect way and love each other with those imperfections. Maybe even adore those imperfections sometimes, because those imperfections are also a part of the personality of the person that truly makes them what they are.

I want a love which understands and encourages to pursue life dreams. The love that serves to be the building blocks of our own selves. The love that encourages to go forward in life and be the light in dark times of life. The love that lets you know it is okay to fail and be there to catch you when you fall and urges you to stand up and keep going for the fight again, to pursue what you started.

I want a kind of love where sharing a dead silence with the each other makes perfect sense same as pouring the heart out. A kind of love where I can just get lost in the eyes that look at me with love, the pair eyes that speaks a special language to each other even across a crowded room. The kind of love that understands each other’s minds even without spoken words.

I want a kind of love that shares my dreams and goals of life and willing to go through all the struggles of life for it together and be there to enjoy the victories of the struggle. A kind of love where there are no judgements but love for who you really are. A kind of love that can see you at your best and at the worst, and still love you the same.

A kind of love who will be each others number one fan, cheering each other in life and enjoying the journey of life. A kind of love that stands up for you on your behalf especially at the time when you cannot do it yourself. The love that knows the worth of you and so as theirs. The love that gets excited for your victories as it was their own. The love whose only motive is your happiness and success.


Finally the one with glowing eyes which sparkles the moment it sees you, the magic smile that makes you forget the whole world when you see it,the one who gives those butterflies in your stomach, the one who can give the most comforting hugs, the one who knows how you like your coffee and makes it the exact same way, the one who is always excited to see you.

The Love who will be my best friend and a pure MAGIC in life 🙂


Trip to Goa

A long awaited trip with friends finally happened last Feb 2017. We always just end up planning trips when we get together and those just get passed as plans that never come into action. Somehow the Goa plan passed the planning stage to get real.

It all started with just a funny message in the WhatsApp group, and to my surprise, guys started to respond positively this time. without wasting time my roomie and I got to act in booking the tickets. That was the first step, with tickets being booked things began to fall in place for an epic travel adventure.

With each trip we learn a lot about the people and the new place, we get to learn our travel partners closer. A party of 6 en route to Goa. We took a train from Chennai to Bangalore and flew to Goa from there. It was our first travel adventure outside our state, so we were excited and happy that a plan finally came true. It was a long night travel with so much excitement and conversations and very little sleep. Finally, we landed in Goa.

We have already booked our stay, so when we got down we proceeded to the place to get refreshed to start our adventure. Being the first time outside the state I understood that knowledge of other language does matter 😉 Luckily my friends spoke the local language so I was not in much trouble. We got to the apartment we had already booked, the owner was kind enough to accommodate us a couple of hours early than the check in time. It was a spacious apartment, the whole apartment building stood on a cliff facing a water body below. The view was spectacular, the swimming pool of the apartment was build in such a way on the tip of the cliff. Though we did not get the cliff side view of the apartment, it did not matter much as we hardly had time to stay in the apartment. The owner was kind and concerning. He helped us get the rental bike to roam around Goa. He also gave as information about the Goa election during our stay and Goa will be a dry state during the elections which meant no alcohol will be served during the election days. Goa being the Las Vegas of India, without alcohol will not be the usual self. On the upside, we will get to enjoy the less crowded Goa. Goa the party capital of India has cancelled a lot of its party due to the government’s alcohol restrictions on the days of our stay.


He also gave as information about the Goa election during our stay and Goa will be a dry state during the elections which meant no alcohol will be served during the election days. Goa being the Las Vegas of India, without alcohol will not be the usual self. On the upside, we will get to enjoy the less crowded Goa. Goa the party capital of India has cancelled a lot of its party due to the government’s alcohol restrictions on the days of our stay. so we got to enjoy a different Goa than what we expected.

The first day of our adventure started with us getting our rental bikes and starting to ride around the city. To be honest we were clueless as of where to start from. We decided on to visit old Goa. It was a long 25 km bike ride from our place. On the way, we were admiring some shore and got attracted by the dolphin’s boat ride, where they take you inside the ocean to watch dolphins. We decided to explore some dolphins and got into the boat, it was a pretty ride and we even got to see few dolphins. Then we rode to Old Goa, got to see an old church and we were tired because of the long bike rides. When we rode back to the apartment we were exhausted. That’s when we decided we got to find a better way to roam in Goa, the bikes were really making us tired. We had a minor issue that we have paid in full for the bikes for 4 days and one of my friends was against in wasting that money, anyway, the majority of the folks supported to find a better transportation and we ended up renting a self-driven car.


So we were supposed to get our car delivered to us around 11 am in the morning and when we got the car it was almost noon. We set for our adventure the next day only by noon and we had plans to explore the south Goa for the second day. It was a pretty long drive around 35km from our apartment. It was almost 3 pm when we reached the Palolem beach. We took a boat ride to an island there and we had some fun in the water. We did kayaking in the sea. It was a fun evening on the beach. On the way back we stopped at the Agonda Beach to see a beautiful sun set. We drove back to the apartment and stopped to have a taste of local Goa Cusine, which was nice.


The next day we started a little early and we picked up my cousin who was working in Goa. He was our tour guide for the day. We spotted the beautiful back waters of Goa on the drive and lucky enough to stop and admire its beauty.


It was a fun day, we drove to Arambol beach and it was a lovely beach. we had some fun in the sea and then we went to take a dip in the fresh water lake in the beach. We did paragliding and that was so much to experience Goa in a birds eyes view. Flying over the beach and the sea was a thrilling new experience for us. We had so much fun. We walked along the shore to the Keri beach on the other side of the cliff rocks. It was a fun and kind of dangerous walk. We walked on the rocks along the shore, it was kind of slippery and the waves were hitting the rocks that made it a little scary too. When we think now it was a fun memory.


Then we checked in to a local Goan Cusine for dinner and we got to taste the actual Goan food. Trying different cuisine is one thing that I always enjoy. Later that night we went to see the Goa night market, where we were told we get a different kind of goods, but what we learnt by ourselves is that the goods sold on the market were priced so high targeting the foreign customers of Goa. We got back to the apartment later that night after dropping off my cousin at his place. It was well into the early morning of 3 am we got home.

The next day was packed with fun. We already had our water sports package booked, so we started to our water adventure at Calangute beach. It was a complete water fun package with Jet skiing, speed boat ride, banana boat ride, bumper boat ride and parasailing. We were so excited for it. But we did not end up having so much fun as expected. The water sports package was more than disappointing. There was no proper response from the organisers and the boaters were asking for money. It was pathetic, Jet Skiing we were not allowed to drive, the banana and the bumper rides were so little distance that we did not even get to enjoy and the speed boat was not going to speed because they had kids on board. The only thing that was enjoyable was the para sailing and that too was not much. We paid a little extra for a longer time to be on the air. We managed to put aside this and tried to have fun with what we got. Later that evening we were supposed to get packed so we got to the apartment and went on to enjoy the pool on the cliff.


We got to enjoy a different Goa when most of the friends talk about Goa their stories mostly have clubbing and gambling at the casinos. Their stories definitely consist of alcohol and getting wasted in it.  As we got to go during the dry days we enjoyed the nature of Goa to the fullest. Goa Still has a lot to offer and with a limited time, we only got to see a very few of what Goa has to offer. Waiting to get the beautiful beaches of Goa once again to witness it splendidness again.

From what I experienced in Goa, it is not just the land of partying and clubbing. Goa has a beautiful nature and awesome sun set beaches. It has beautiful backwaters. It is a not only a place where party goers can enjoy, it is definitely a place where nature lovers can get lost in nature.