I feel guilty but it is not my fault

There are some situations in life where we feel guilty for things that are not actually our fault. Things happen out of no where making you feel guilty for it, but you actually have no control on what so ever that happened. This guilty feeling cannot be changed, we very well know that this is not our fault but still the guilt of it will keep haunting us.

Sometimes the decisions that we make in life for ourselves hurt our dear ones, we make decisions for our own happiness which maybe out of the social norms that the society has been following for years. One such decisions is the decision on getting married.

The Indian society is build on marriage , here a marriage is not a individual decision, it is a family decision. Chetan Bhagat in his book two states says in India for a marriage to happen, first a guy loves a girl, the Girl loves the boy , then the guy’s family has to love the girl, the girl’s family has to love the boy, then the boy’s family has to love the girl’s family, then if the girl and the boy still love each other they get married. This is mostly the situation in Indian families, its no wonder why India celebrate weddings so grand may be it is a victory celebration of the long process.

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Every Indian parents dream is to get their kids married, they dream , they save and they spend all they have on their kids wedding. Marriage is not seen as a lifestyle here rather it is seen as life achievement. Parents think their kids have failed when they don’t get married. Even more, sometimes they blame themselves for their kids saying no to marriage life. They start thinking the kid decision of not getting married is because of their upbringing. They blame themselves and get depressed thinking of their kids future. In some situations parents get caught in the social norms and fail to see what really make their kid happy. They fail to notice that the kids decision is not because of negligence of life but it is more of a choice of their own happiness.

when a guys chooses not to marry, he is filled with guilt of letting his parents down though there is not need for any guilt in choosing his own future. This guilt is something he will carry all his life for not fulfilling the parents wishes. Each time when the parent come home looking worried after attending a wedding, he knows what is going on in their mind but could not say a word to console them. The guilty feeling of making the parent worry fills him. Each time seeing the parents play with a kid and having a feeling of not having grandkids to play with , each time a wedding invitation reaches home, each time someone asks them why their kid is not yet married, each time they see a happy couple of their kids age, each time when their kids friend visits with his family, each time when the society tell them getting their kid married is their life goal parents loose their cool and get worried. They genuinely worry about the kids future, all they need is a family for him to take care of him when they are gone. Each time when the kid sees his parents worried that guilt gets in his mind. No one understands the guilty feeling that kid has when he sees his parents worried about him. Though he is completely capable of taking care of him and parents failing to see what really makes him happy.

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No one should feel guilty for choosing his own life, each ones life journey is different and we cannot keep fulfilling each ones dreams for us. The only thing we can do is to live a happy life so that the world know we have no regrets in our own decisions.

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The Loss

The loss of a loved one does not get better with time, the wound it leave behind does not heal, we just learn to live with the pain. We try hard to forget the wound but every time the wound gets a little hit by the memory we feel a sharp pain, which we try to ignore by going on with life.

The loss of my uncle recently was one such wound that, I know would haunt me for life. Though I was not close to him, loosing him all of a sudden came as a shock. He the first one to go too soon in our close family circle. He was not old enough to die, his death came as a shock to the whole family.

The moment I head his death news my brain froze, I got on my bike to see my aunt is the very next thing I did. I was riding the bike, my brain is not working. Finally when I reached his house I realised I have taken the longest route possible to get there and not sure why I did it ! I am well aware of the shortest route but my brain did not function enough to get the shortest route. I got there just in time when his body arrived from he hospital and he was laid down in the bench. All I could feel was him sleeping and nothing more. I well know he is gone but my mind is not in the state to accept it.

I could see my aunt crying, the aunt who used to be fun and very caring. One of my favourite aunt and the one we used to tease a lot. Seeing her cry caused a deep pain in the heart. Its something that cannot be explained. I was feeling sorry for her more than my uncle gone at that moment.

I could see my cousin who was struggling with all his strength to stay strong for his mom who was devastated. More than the sorrow of loosing his dad, he had a anger on his dad for putting off from seeing a doctor earlier. He was more angry than being sad. He was collecting all his strength and controlling his tears, waiting for his brother to come. I was there witnessing him in his great loss in life. I had no words to console him or even to talk to him. All I was able to do was to stand there beside him and just watch.

As all the relations and friends arrive they began talking of the loss and about the dead. That in no way ease the pain but help to vent out the emotions helping us to retain the good memories with him. All I could was to feel sorry for my aunt, who had her whole life around her family. Now her biggest pillar of strength gone and she was left alone to face the world. I understand she has her sons to her support yet losing her husband was no match.

As my uncle was cremated the next day, all I could think was how short the human life is. A man with whom I was having a talk a week earlier is now gone and we were there doing his final rites. As he was burning to ashes all I had in mind was life is short and it is too short to live with regrets.

A thought of getting my parents a medical check up asap passed to my mind while my brother uttered those words loud to me.

I was sorry for my aunt, for her loss. I met her a month later, she is learning to live with her loss. In India they have a bad custom of dress code for a widow as no bindi , no flowers , no colours clothings. My aunt when i met her was dress as herself, in a beautiful pink saree, with her bindi and flowers decorating her hair. I was so happy to see her that way. I have seen her like that always and she has chosen to be the same. By choosing so she is breaking odd customs and now I love her even more for she choosing her to be herself.

 

Being Single in your thirties !

There is always a social pressure to settle down, the society wants every one of us to get married and have kids, but each one have a different view of life. Not everyone wants to settle down and have kids. Some wait for their dream partner in life, some just want to live life on their own terms. Some just want a companionship in life with no rules attached to it. Its always a personal choice of what we want to do with our life.

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But this society expects us to live life as how many has done for years, when we want something different from the usual, people around us panic, they just try to step in assuming we need help living our own life. They do it because they love us and they think living life the usual way is the best way to live and they want the best for us.

One such stigma in life is being single! Specially being single gets tough when you get into your thirties. Your friend circle starts to get married and have kids, the ones those got married in their twenties are already trying to get their kids to school. People around you start questioning when are you getting married saying you are getting no younger. Parents, specially Indian parents see your marriage as their duty to be fulfilled. They want to fulfil their duties in life. The Relatives want to enjoy your marriage feast. Friends wants to enjoy an other bachelor party.

You start getting more wedding invitations, relatives see weddings as a opportunity for match making. You not attending the wedding of your third cousin’s wife’s fourth cousin’s wedding becomes a point of question. There is no longer a question of what you expect in your life partner, in your thirties people expect you to have no expectations but just to get married to who says yes to you. Almost the second question the relatives ask on seeing you is about getting married.

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Every phone call from your parents involves a wedding proposal or your parents cousins questioning them about why you are still single. You are seen to be disgracing your parents reputation in the society. Your parents are getting old and that been told as a perfect reason to get married. Parents come up with all sort of reason for you to get married, even the parents friends son getting married is a good reason for you to tie the knot. They want to have grandkids, they want the family line growing, they want you to have someone to come home to every night, they want you to have a family, they want you to have a companion in life. They mean good to you, but sometimes they just want you to follow the social norms. They sometimes fail to notice what really makes you happy, they just get lost in what the society has thought them. They don’t want their kid to be an odd man out in the society.

Friends and collegues start questioning about why you are still single and try to set you up with every possible match they could think of. There is a constant questioning on you being single, and they are in a lookout for your marriage news. In office, every day you leave work early or a day off is questioned with marriage proposals or dates. Your besties are all married off with kids expect you to join the club so they can discuss their on going issues. You stand out in the discussions because most of the discussions in the group is about kids or schools.

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You start to feel left out around your friends at time. when they discuss life, there are times when you feel you are far behind them. When they say how tired they are because of kids you will love your life. When they worry about kids and future you will feel your freedom. When they pour out their struggles with their partners you will thank your decision to be single. When they describe their little ones you will miss your nephew or niece. When you see them struggling to decide between wanting to party and go home to kids you will thank God for you being on your own. When they discuss about the kids expense you will be happy that you can afford your dreams.

Being Single in thirties has both its own ups and downs, but being single is a personal choice and no one ever have to say you how you should lead your own life. Just live life in your own terms with no regrets at the end ūüôā

Little somethings from that someone special

Sometimes the ordinary day turns out to be one of a most treasured memory. We don’t plan anything but things just happen to make the day a treasured memory. ¬†Someday you do nothing at all just spend all day at home, yet you feel so special about the day. It depends on with whom you spend the day at home with. Memories are not only made when you choose to have an adventure, it can also be¬†made when you choose to be lazy with the special person by your side.

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Some moments make you feel special, it can just be a thought that someone thinks of you. How special would you feel when your special person chose to text you at the stroke of midnight on your birthday. It would really be special if the text is from a person who rarely remembers the date! That text being the first text for the birthday really makes you feel so excited and special.

We know nowadays half the communication is done through SMS and WhatsApp. A great comfort with this mode of communication is that the person at the other end may choose to reply back or take his time to respond. Sometimes you know the person at the other end is stuck with a hell a lot of work, but you are just worried about them and decide to text. when that someone special decides to text you in the middle of his work crisis, that text not only brings you happiness but a special feeling of cared for. Sometimes a simple text in the middle of the day just to say hi from a special person makes the day feel brighter.

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Birthdays are special, it becomes more special if your special person decides to spend the day with you. No big plans just the two of you hanging out together at your place. It becomes a treasured memory when you get your birthday cake made by that special person. Time spent with a person who you consider so special is always never enough.

It is not all the talking that counts, sometimes it is very less talking, you get comfortable with the silence between the two. Just having them around at the distance your eyes can cover is sometimes all you want. A movie with the special person where you don’t really talk is sometimes satisfactory. ¬†Sometimes you want to pour out all, moments like holding a large coffee¬†along with that someone special helps¬†in that situation.

It is not the time that counts, it is the person whom you choose to spend the time with is what that really counts.

Joy of being an Uncle

There is a pure joy in being an uncle. A beautiful relationship with a kid whom you love with all your heart. A bond that you form with the kid from the moment you got to hold that tiny human in your hands.

Being an uncle is a gift getting to know a kid right from its birth and being a part of the kid’s life as the kid grows. Uncle gets to spoil the kid with gifts and shower the kid with love. Basically being a person who allows the kids to do some crazy stuff which the parent does not approve.95348e037bdd56f8bfe07a3f4f930b15The uncle usually gets to enjoy the happy kid most of the time, all the nagging cry and tantrums are for the parents. Uncle gets to enjoy the cute smiles and love hugs.

Being an uncle is getting a right to spoil the kids, an uncle can treat the kid with anything to eat as what their little heart desires. An Uncle can hand over a big bar of chocolate to the little kid and enjoy the show of how the little one gets chocolate all over its face and hands.

Being an uncle is being the baby sitter sometimes. The time the kid gets to enjoy a no restriction time of their parents. An uncle is a good story teller, as a kid, I enjoyed all the story time with my uncle. Most of my Indian mythology stories are those which I heard from my uncle.

Uncles can get them any gift they want, can buy them the loudest toy not worrying about to hear the sound of the toy all day at home. Can get the kid a drum set not worrying about the annoying music they are going to make in the initial days to follow. Just get the toy, enjoy the happy face of the kid and you can go back to the silence of your home.

Being an uncle means¬†getting a chance to relive a childhood, getting down to play with the kid without being judged by others. we get to play all our childhood games again at least in the name of teaching the game to the kid. Get to attend all the school functions with no¬†worry of getting the right angle in the camera, can just be there to enjoy the kid’s performance.

Being an uncle means being there always to listen to their problems and being a support to the kid as it grows. Initially, it is fun to see how a little heart trusts you and come to you with their little problems.

The best part of being an uncle is getting to enjoy love in its purest form. The love hugs for those little hands that could hardly hug you, the sweet kisses and the best smiles.

Being fully present

Have you ever felt you are distant from the person very next to you? Have you ever felt you know more information of a person miles away than the one who is physically next to you? All this modern day communication have lead us to this thoughts. we stay connected to persons far away, in the same time we are losing touch with the persons around us.

When we were kids we always found each other, we rode bikes to meet friends and did not make an appointment to see them. When we made plans to meet we mostly stuck to it because letting the others know you are ditching then was hard. Even when we met at a crowded fair we somehow found each other without the mobile phones. Are we losing some human power with all the modern communication in place?

Nowadays¬†no one is alone at the dinner table. There is no couples dinner anymore. We always reserve a place for our mobile phones on the table. It’s just a couple having dinner with each other and their mobile phones. How interesting the conversation might be when the phone beeps, we become curious to know why it beeped and the conversation losses interest at that point. It’s been more of looking into the phones rather than looking at the person before us.

Are we forgetting to live the moment with the mobile phones? Nowadays when we see a beautiful sunrise, the first thing we do is to reach for our mobile phones to capture the beauty. We are more interested in seeing the sunrise through a lens rather than enjoying it through our eyes. At kids dance recital we could see most parents are busy capturing the event in camera and they forget to enjoy their kids’ performance. When I was a kid we had a photographer whose main job is to capture the event in his camera and the parents sat back and enjoyed the kids dancing. With all the modern cameras now everyone is a photographer.

I have never seen any of my kinder garden stages performances videos. Have seen a few photos of it. My memory of it was how my mom used to describe her memory of my performance. She remembers clearly each move of the dance and how cute I looked with the makeup. , it is all because she was there enjoying her kid’s performance and capturing the scene in her memory rather than in her camera.

Let us put our mobiles phones down and be present with our friends and partners. Let us enjoy each others company without being disturbed by the beeping of the mobile phone. Let us take the time to look into the person’s eyes and feel the conversation we are having with each other.

Friendzone- The yellow light.

Some relationships in life will not always go the way we wanted, whether it is a simple relation with a neighbour next door or with a friend or with the someone special in life. There is a time in each relationship where one feels neglected or mistreated. The better way to solve all the problem is with an open mind conversation. The conversation is better when both people sit down with the mind of ending the differences rather than just to have a talk. Limited the number of people the better the conversation goes.

If we see a love relationship as the traffic signal, the green for a love relationship and red for no relationship. There is this yellow where you can decide on whether to drive fast to cross the traffic lights or just stop at the traffic. The only difference here is the decision to make because in every relationship there is only one traffic signal and the lights get off once the decision is made. The best part is once you decide the red, you have to take a different route altogether if you decide to cross the yellow light, the traffic light may turn red or if you are lucky to green. But you never know which colour the light is going to change.

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Sometimes you see a person and feel the positive vibes of a good connection with them. Luckily you get to know them better and with time they become a special person in life or just you feel they are special to you. Become good friends, you hang out with them often and you really enjoy having them around. You know you are falling for them and even try to express it in a more subtle way when you are around them. They are most aware of what is going on ( least you think so! ) and does not react the way you want them to. The situation here could be anything from wrong communication to being friend zoned.

You cannot just get out of such relationships so easy. The only way to go ahead here is to communicate or verbalise your feeling for them. Even then this can take make or break the relationship altogether. If they also have the same feeling for you and just not sure of what other thinks then communicating will take the relationship to a new path. In the dark side when you express your feeling and they¬†don’t want the same things as you do then it could end up in the disaster of losing that person for life.

You might have a million thoughts going through in your head in deciding how to get out of this friend zone in the relationship. Relationships are always two-way. The love and affection should flow both ways for a happy relationship. It cannot be just you having all the feeling and the person on the other side is cool being just friends. It totally depends on how deep is your feeling for the other. There is a humungous change of misreading the other when you develop feelings. You might take everything that comes your way as a good sign to support your feeling but that could have just been a kind gesture. So better get clarified.

At times the yellow light seems perfectly fine. You are allowed all the friends and more privileges here, you can be that over-caring friend. You can still hang out with each other or just two of you and enjoy each others company. You can enjoy having that special person around you. You get to voice out your mind with a friends tone! Sometimes when we are not very sure about the others feelings and does not want to break or lose it all, being friend zoned is not a bad thing. The best thing about this yellow light is that you can always test the waters before getting a plunge.

Relationships are hard but worth every effort you put into it. It is a great feeling that someone cares for you not because they made you, they care just because they like you the way you are! The only thing with the relationship is the never ending effort it requires but those are the not too hard if you get a person who is worth loving every day and you are lucky if that special person makes you feel loved the same way you love them.